sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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