Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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