He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think I have vodka in my lungs
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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