I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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