Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How does it feel to date your dad?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
