just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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