I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
