apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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