As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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