We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
FUCK WHALES
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
