Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
