remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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