oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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