Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
