my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
