i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
