Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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