my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
