I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
