I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You are a genius and a whore.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
