Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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