I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
