No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize