Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
