see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
