you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
