The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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