my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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