So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
