I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
