If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
