GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize