I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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