How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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