you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
