I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
