I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
