Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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