she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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