My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
