Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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