Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize