WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
