If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
