i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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