Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
