last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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