I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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