She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
