LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
