Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
