I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Damn victory sex feels great
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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