The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
