I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I need to stop coming to work sober
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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