he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
being pregnant is like rehab
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
