So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
