I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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