on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
