it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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