so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
