wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
