He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
