I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize